Pull up a couch, folks, because it’s best that you are sitting when you read this. I might put you to sleep.

And chances are, even if I were to tell you that President Gary Ransdell is personally financing a petting zoo on the fourth floor of Downing university Center (which he isn’t, though perhaps more people would hang out there if he did), you’d still probably have no trouble taking a siesta.

I’ve got a hairy issue to address and I want to bring it up now before it gets too warm outside.

You see, when the sun comes out so do the shorts, which means I will have to start shaving on a semi-regular basis again. I’ll do it not because I enjoy it, but because I know I can’t handle the grimaces on others’ faces when they see my dark leg hair against my pasty winter skin.

In light of yesterday’s celebration of April Fool’s, I’d like to dedicate this column to all the foolish people on campus who believe that there is nothing to do here at Western. Normally I shy away from telling people that they’re wrong, but if you sincerely believe that there’s nothing to keep your bottom busy while you’re at school here, you’re sorely mistaken.

Let’s do a linguistic exercise. I’m going to write a word and I’d like for you to think about how it makes you feel. Here it is:

Feminism.

Now, let it mull in your mind for a bit. Meditate on it, perhaps go for a jog and come back to the next line when you’re ready.