According to an earth-shaking study recently conducted by the Tell Us What We Want To Hear Foundation, smoking cigarettes creates more time in a person’s life. Led by the organization’s core research team of idealists, the hope-based study asserts that for every cigarette a person smokes, 17.3 minutes can be added to his or her life.

In addition to being encouragement for longtime addicts to take their habit indoors, this long-hoped-for information is also a boon to terminally ill patients across the country (scientists have already begun developing cigarette-friendly respirators) and to struggling tobacco companies, who have been the butt of health officials’ criticism and advocacy campaigns.

“With this kind of news,” Cigarette Executive Officer Joe Blow said, “I’m going to be CEO of this trillion-dollar industry forever, because not only will I never want to die, but I don’t have to.”

Indeed, it doesn’t seem like anyone has to worry about anything anymore. The Tell Us What We Want To Hear (TUWWWTH, or “Tooth”) Foundation, which was founded in 2001 during George W. Bush’s first months as president, has released several startling findings that have helped citizens break free from any negative news they’ve ever been misled to believe.

In one of their earliest studies, for example, Tooth found that pioneering Europeans were diplomatic with the native population, citing the existence of Native American DNA in many current Americans. In a 2007 study based on extensive field research in Afghanistan, Tooth found that terrorism could actually be fought effectively with guns, a study that the American Psychiatrics Society later blamed for a decline in the number of patients seeking psychological help.

The only problem with the cigarette study, it seems, is that there are some people who do not want to hear it. Not surprisingly, the report has angered thousands of health officials and practitioners around the nation who have long depended upon the flaming schtick as a scapegoat for patients’ deaths.

“It was so simple before this study to go into the waiting room and say to patients’ families, ‘I’m sorry, but his lungs failed because of cigarette contamination. We did everything we could,’” American Hospital Doctor Lotsof Hotair said. “Now we’ll have to come up with something else, as it seems only non-smokers will be able to die.”

Perhaps smokers knew after their first drag that cigarettes gave life but were scared to share the fact with the rest of us because they believed that the earth couldn’t handle people living too long.

If Tooth’s ongoing study on overpopulation is promising — and it appears to be so — then we won’t have to worry about that, either. It’s what we want to hear, after all, that matters.