THE ISSUE: With warning signs popping up in buildings and hand sanitizer dispensers in every room, it’s clear Western has become wrapped up in swine flu hysteria.

OUR VIEW: In order to keep our readers safe from the pandemic, the Herald has designed some aggressive swine flu countermeasures.

Just when you thought you were safe from avian flu and SARS, along come the pigs to ratchet up your paranoia.

Covered relentlessly by the national media, it feels like there’s no escape.

So what can you do to make sure you don’t end up wearing one of those ridiculous masks?

We’re glad you asked.

First, drop out of school. There are islands off the coast of Greece with few people and even fewer pigs. We suggest you hang out there.

If you’re not willing to pack your bags, then you should take more local precautions while out and about. Restaurant food is prepared by people who could have swine flu, so that should probably go. On second thought, just stop eating. A steady diet of hand sanitizer should be safe.

Speaking of hand sanitizer, you’ll need to toss out your pepper spray in favor of some antibacterial protection. You might as well fork over a couple extra bucks for a jumbo dispenser. Trust us, you’ll need it.

We would also suggest having Mr. Clean escort you to class. At least until he gets swine flu.

It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to use human shields to block inbound coughs. Better them than you.

Another step is finding ways to exit the bathroom without touching the door handle. Get creative with this one. We encourage using legs, walking canes or even someone else’s hand.

We know it’s tough to hear, but the days of checking Facebook in those germ-infested computer labs are over. You’re not the only ones crying.

But students can’t be the only ones taking the safe route.

Western has to play its part to keep the tuition payers alive and looking for parking spots.

That includes setting up a dorm for those infected with swine flu. It looks like we’ll be needing a lot of space. Better start clearing out PFT.

Administrators should also send out helpful text messages telling us to avoid communal housing like the messages that told us to avoid trees. That’s feasible, right?

And finally, everyone has to do their best to watch out for this H1N1 virus.

Whatever that is.

This editorial represents the majority opinion of the Herald’s 11-member editorial board.