*Real name not used to protect her identity.
he Baptist preacher.
The charming football star.
Their images incite faith and hope to their admirers.
Because of their adoration, no one could believe what Jane* and Beth were claiming.
Beth had not even reached her senior year in high school.
Jane would not confront it until she came to college.
Beth would wait over a year to tell her loved ones.
They were plagued with the same dark secret that almost 198,850 women in America have faced, according to the 2003 National Crime Victimization Survey: sexual assault.
Just like 70 percent of these women, Jane and Beth both knew and once trusted their assailants. [NCVS 2003]
Both said the piercing silence and stigma around sexual assault made it hard for them to find solace after the torment.
‘He never tried to hit on me…’
Beth, a freshman from Indianapolis, Ind., said that she was warned about her perpetrator before ever really meeting him.
“The guy was a football player,” she said. “He was one of the three my dad said to stay away from.”
Beth was a transfer at a small Catholic high school. She said since her father was the football coach, many guys considered it a prize to go out with her.
Though she had been warned about him, Beth said she had started a friendship with one of the suspicious guys. She figured her dad had only heard rumors about the popular football star.
On New Year’s Day, 2003, the two decided to watch her favorite movie, “Gone With the Wind,” in his parents’ television room.
The evening of casual movie-watching quickly turned into a sexual assault.
“We started kissing,” she said. “I was like, ‘I don’t want to do this.’ Somehow, I got pinned to the floor.” Beth screamed relentlessly. All she heard was silence as his parents carried on downstairs.
She said soon after the assault, her new “friend” quickly assured her she could go home now. She said she left, looking much disheveled and obviously distraught, but his mother did not seem to be fazed by her appearance.
“His mom just asked, ‘Are you guys having a fun time?’” Beth said.
‘He was a Baptist preacher but he wasn’t a very Godly man…’
Jane, a senior from central Kentucky, said the people around her also turned away from the warning signs that she was being sexually abused by her stepfather.
“I do think there were many medical, social, and emotional warning signs that teachers, doctors, family and friends noticed, but chose or didn’t realize they should do anything about,” she said.
Jane said she did not speak to anyone about it until she was much older, but when she did, more silence ensued.
“Once I told my family, they were very supportive,” she said. “But it is kept ‘hush-hush’ in the family. They don’t ask about it, so I don’t talk about it.”
Both women said because of the pain and delayed revelation of their assaults, reporting to the police was not an option for them.
Elizabeth Mohon, staff counselor and sexual assault services coordinator at Western, said many victims like Jane and Beth do not go to the police.
“Rape is the most under-reported of all crimes,” she said. “Only 16 percent are reported.”
Mohon said reasons for the silence about sexual assault are obvious.
“They’re ashamed and embarrassed,” she said. “They think it’s their fault. The way society reacts, they could be re-victimized.”
Beth said she experienced that re-victimization once school started back after her assault.
“People judge really quick,” she said. “People started saying that we had sex. For some reason, I was OK with people thinking we had sex rather than he raped me.”
Beth said since many of her peers thought she was “easy,” she didn’t think anyone would believe her.
For Jane, even as a 6-year-old, she knew what was happening was wrong, but there wasn’t anyone she trusted enough to tell.
Breaking the silence
After spending years neglecting her painful past, Jane said facing the truth might have saved her from an addictive habit of cutting herself.
“When I was a sophomore in college, I was going through a very destructive stage,” she said. “In order to explain one of the many reasons why I was cutting, I told my parents about the sexual abuse.”
Once she told her parents, Jane was able to go to rehab and work through her underlying issues with her abuse.
Beth said she went on as usual at high school despite the rumors and continuous harassing from her perpetrator.
She told her three best friends a year after the assault, but it would be a year and a half before she really was able to deal with her pain.
Just around last Thanksgiving, while playing video games with her friend in his dorm room, the situation became strikingly similar to the night of her assault.
“He tried to kiss me,” she said. “It felt like flashbacks. We’d been hangin’ out, but I had to leave.”
When Beth left his room, she immediately packed her bags and returned home and tell her parents.
“I cried for the first two-and-half hours of that trip,” she said. “That was like the first time I cried about it.”
Her parents’ emotions went from shock to anger when they heard the news. Despite their emotions, Beth said she still found comfort in finally telling them.
Jane also said that revealing her story truly began the healing.
“It is important to tell someone, even if the event took place many years ago,” she said. “It is such a load off and once you admit it, the healing can begin.”
Seeking Help
Phyllis Millspaugh, executive director at Hope Harbor, a sexual trauma recovery center, said beginning the healing is hard in this society.
She has been a counselor since the mid-1980s.
“Society hasn’t changed much since I started back in the ’80s,” she said. “We still have a tendency to ignore people’s violations.”
Millspaugh said centers such as Hope Harbor help women and men who have been violated by keeping the communication lines open.
Because many victims do not want anyone to know about their assault, Millspaugh said, it is sometimes hard for them to seek help.
Jane and Beth both agree that it would have been helpful to have a support system like Hope Harbor after their incidents.
Hope Harbor volunteers and workers try to be there at the hospital after the incident to ensure that the victim feels they have that support immediately.
“We’re just there to go through it with them,” Millspaugh said. “Then maybe they’ll say, ‘That volunteer was nice, maybe I can do this.’”
After the initial meeting, there is a follow-up call. Millspaugh said during this stage the victim might need even more support because of post traumatic syndrome.
Once the victim has reached “the telling and healing stage,” Millspaugh said many people have a hard time continuing counseling.
“People drop out, because they say ‘I don’t want people to know this hurt me because of the stigma,’” she said.
Millspaugh said the stigma is that people who said they were sexual assaulted are lying or invited the opportunity to be assaulted.
She said students at Western should be aware that they are at risk.
“National studies will tell you women ages 18-25 are most often victims of date rape and stranger rape,” Millspaugh said.
She said Hope Habor gets “quite a few” referrals from Western.
“What makes them at risk is their invulnerability,” she said. “They’re so busy exploring what life is about.”
Millspaugh said date rape is closely connected with the consumption of alcohol.
More than 20 percent of date rapes involve alcohol, she said.
Millspaugh said that the likelihood of college students avoiding alcohol is slim, but having a friend around can help reduce the risk of going too far.
“If that communication is there, that sends a message that someone’s looking out,” she said.
Having a back up system is helpful for a potential victim or a potential perpetrator.
Healing
Jane said though she is still working through her recovery, she is happy she sought help and began to talk about what happened to her.
Besides getting counseling and telling people, Jane said she also had to learn to forgive in order to heal.
“The first thing I had to realize is that forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice, because if I relied on feelings I would go on hating him and myself forever,” she said.
Beth said she is also working though recovery by forgiving.
Unfortunately, she said, her perpetrator still tries to contact her, but she tries not to let it get to her.
She is now dating and is much more open to her friends at Western about her assault.
Beth said Western’s M.A.S.T.E.R Plan classes on sexual assault can be helpful if taken seriously, but the campus could use more awareness about what sexual assault is.
Beth said she’s still not 100 percent, but being able to vent has been the greatest part of her healing.
Beth and Jane said they both are working through their pain. They agree that therapy and opening up about their experiences has truly been the key to healing.
“I am hanging in there,” Jane said. “I don’t let the thoughts and flashbacks control my life, but the pain is there, so it is a daily battle to let the past be the past and to let go.”
Reach Stephanie Toone features@wkuherald.com
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